The Transition of Divorce

Divorce is different for everyone, especially parents. But the first thing to consider is that you are not alone, and it will get better with time. It can help to understand what's typical in the divorce process, what to expect from the divorce processes through the final decree and beyond, and the sort of emotional and practical issues that they're likely to experience, and in what order. These are the "emotional" stages of divorce -- the sequence of feelings and issues that divorcees typically go through.

You may notice how your feelings and outlook have changed. Separation is like an emotional roller coaster. You don't have control of your feelings and can't anticipate what will throw you back for another ride. This is the normal emotional current of divorce. Each stage of the divorce process presents opportunities for constructive responses as well as a seemingly endless array of obstacles and risks.

Risks During the Separation:

• The initial separation ushers in a highly emotional period; you are prone to mood swings, irrationality and poor judgment. This is not a time to be making major decisions that could affect your future.
• Avoid expressing your anger and feelings of rejection through the legal system. Do not withhold money or access to children when you feel rejected. Get emotional support to help you deal with your painful feelings.
• There is a temptation to use the children as go-betweens or to pump them for information about what your spouse is doing. Even subtle questioning about the other household can make children feel disloyal or like they are spying.
• There is a tendency to see a spouse who has hurt or betrayed you as unilaterally untrustworthy. Rarely is a person unreliable and untrustworthy in all areas. The risk lies in assuming the worst and taking legal steps to protect yourself.

Ways to be Constructive:

• Concentrate on self-care. Do not underestimate the stress of divorce. It affects your concentration at work, your driving, your patience with the children and your health. Take care of yourself with proper rest, exercise and good nutrition.
• Have a sounding board. Seek out friends you can talk to objectively or find a counselor or support group.
• Limit contact with your spouse. Stay away from each other for agreed periods of no contact. Limit phone calls and, if necessary, communicating in writing.
• Find an outlet to release strong emotions safely i.e. sports or exercise.
• Concentrate on getting better instead of getting even. Work on healing yourself rather than hurting or getting even.
• Recognize both sides of yourself, the rational and the emotional.
• Know when to seek help.

Learn more with the Florida Parenting Course